


a small blade of grass

by rosemalings



Series: about the great unknown [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Established Relationship, Growing Up, M/M, Mentions of past taeun, Separation Anxiety, They're good boys Brent, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:54:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22535809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosemalings/pseuds/rosemalings
Summary: a crisis on adulthood creeps up on baekhyun while touring.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Minseok | Xiumin
Series: about the great unknown [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621507
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	a small blade of grass

**Author's Note:**

> i basically wrote this (unbeta'd) because i miss xiumin so baekhyun also misses xiumin. it's a semi-sequel to my previous story [how loud your heart gets](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21331069/chapters/50802331) but it's not necessary to read. title taken from pentagon's [like this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7VUyTI0UF0). please kudos or comment if you've enjoyed it! it keeps me going.

it has been a year and a month since he and minseok started hooking up. 

it has been nine months since he and minseok started dating.

it has been one month and three days since he has last seen minseok's face.

it doesn't hit baekhyun immediately. with various schedules and jetting between different countries, minseok is still the first thought in his head when he wakes up in the morning and the last when he goes to sleep. that minseok finally has phone privileges and can occasionally take a step away from his duties in his unit as well as the military musical certainly helps and he knows it's unusual and he knows that he is truly lucky. but then exo promotions abruptly end and all of those worries that had been swimming in baekhyun's head when they first began suddenly resurface.

he's on another plane, scrolling through old instagram posts when he just has to pull up minseok's again so he can look at the slew of photos he left fans after posting irregularly since creating this account. sleepily, jongin leans over the armrest to peek at his phone, reaching over without prompting to expand one of minseok's selfies with his index finger and thumb. it's one of the last photos before he shaved his hair and dyed it back to black, when it was ash brown and longer and lovely. ( _look at his cheeks._ minseok's cheeks are the best cheeks in the entire world and baekhyun will not take any further questions on the matter. )

"hey!"

jongin smiles and releases his phone screen, occupying his hands by adjusting the fuzzy neck pillow he has brought on board with him for the long overseas flight. "how long has it been?"

baekhyun groans and lets his head flop back against the airplane pillow. "i don't even know." of course he knows. it has been a month and three days since they have physically seen each other now, with minseok's duties filling his days and his own schedule of back to back rehearsals, recordings, and photoshoots. he barely has time to simply be himself let alone time to be a boyfriend and it's _very annoying_.

their plane cabin is actually quite spacious and the lighting dim as they soar over oceans and timezones, but baekhyun feels claustrophobic, somewhat alone with his thoughts because he isn't about to have yet another conversation about how much he misses minseok with another member who will reassure him that he cares, but he just feel _bad_ repeating himself time and time again. so he keeps it to himself, all the whining, the pining, not wanting to subject jongin to his waxing poetic on minseok's eyes.

"it won't be long now," jongin reassures him warmly, sweet like he always is when he isn't being a bit of a brat. " _hyung_ ," he says, ducking his head to try to catch baekhyun's eyes, squeezing his wrist with a tiny smile. "you'll be okay?"

he reaches across to squeeze jongin's hand briefly. "yeah."

january is cold and dreary, not a single snowflake in sight, though it might be for the best because who else would he be thinking of while staring out the window at a snowy landscape? the overcast weather serves to reflect his winter blues. they land at the next concert location, settle into their respective hotel rooms and agree to reconvene for lunch ... or dinner ... or whenever it's meant to be in a few hours. baekhyun decides to lay face down on his hotel bed with his coat still on because that niggling feeling that began on the plane has yet to dissipate, even growing stronger until he can feel the ache physically growing inside of him starting in the very center of his chest. his eyes are squeezed shut until he can finally feel a few tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

so this is what it truly feels like to miss someone. 

some people can dive into work to take their minds off matters of the heart. it seemed to work for taemin when he and naeun reluctantly agreed to end their relationship before it truly began, throwing himself into his schedule, into dancing until dawn, into sharpening every aspect of his performance. everyone knows the story, with the nation and all its netizens watching them gently fall for each other on television, a picture-perfect puppy love not meant to be. no one saw the way they struggled beneath the pressure of celebrity. taemin is a bonafide professional and has been since he was even younger than they all were when exo debuted. watching him during soundcheck with jongin, baekhyun can't help but wonder how he felt whenever he found himself alone with _his_ thoughts.

it's stupid, really, comparing such a thing to his eighteen-month-but-actually-much-longer separation from minseok. keeping it in the shadows, they were never forced apart by fans and companies.

"it's not stupid," taemin tells him later because baekhyun isn't like minseok and can't internalize anything for shit. his eyes are soft and tired beneath the cap he wears as they ride back to the hotel together. taemin is younger and he certainly won't let anyone forget that he's shinee's maknae, but he still has some years of experience on the rest of them. a few others are asleep in the back of the van because no one is quite sure of what time it is anymore, discombobulated by the differences. "don't ever think it's stupid. it's just different."

"i feel like we just never have enough time," baekhyun exhales, hugging his oversized denim jacket tighter around him. "we're getting older and everything's just." he spreads his fingers and stares into his open palms. "everything's just slipping through our hands, i think, through our fingers." but even with all that said, he can't quite put his finger on why he feels so nervous and uncertain all the time.

"i know it's not easy, hyung," taemin returns with a melancholy smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes, "it doesn't get easy but if it's meant to be it will be. isn't that how it goes? i ... the stars didn't align for me and naeun, but you – you still have each other. and i think you'll still have each other after service." 

lunch that afternoon is a balm, a smorgasbord of foods from all around the world, and not even baekhyun can deny that it makes him feel a little better about everything. but what really helps is the buzzing of his phone in the pocket of his joggers with one blessed, beautiful name popping up on screen. "hyung!" he exclaims when he answers and the entire private dining room starts hollering. he waves them off behind him as he rushes off to the nearest elevator so he can talk to minseok in his room instead. 

"hyung, what time is it there?"

"it's only six-thirty in the morning," he assures him, his honey-coated voice like music to his ears. ( it truly has been too long since he last saw him. his thoughts have become so much more sentimental over the weeks apart. ) "it's the only time i could catch you over there. hi." of course. so thoughtful as always. baekhyun wouldn't even be surprised if he could maybe read his mind.

they both exhale and baekhyun can feel some of the tension within him uncoiling, sliding down his shoulders like water off a duck's back. if he closes his eyes and tries to picture minseok sitting in his bunk in korea, he might be able to feel the tension sliding out of him too. " _hi._ " he has never sounded happier.  "i miss you," they both say, laughing with each other. he wants to burst, hearing minseok's breathy giggles. instead, he slips his earbuds in to hear him better, sitting crosslegged on the edge of his bed, grinning from ear to ear.

" are you all right? " he sounds serious, getting down to business as usual. 

clearing his throat, "what? of course i am, hyung."

"hmm."

"i am! just busy. and tired. i need more sleep."

minseok seems to falter before clearing his throat again. "that isn't what junmyeon —"

instantly baekhyun groans, throwing his arms up and crossing then over his face. damn it. of course junmyeon would have said something because he's kind and good and he is their leader and despite his assurance that their business is their business, he is still looking out for each and every one of then. ( it makes him pause and reconsider his own leadership skills. he needs to cut down the moping as soon as possible. he needs to be _better_ and stronger, just as supportive as junmyeon has been, especially over the last several years full of changes to their lineup, to their lives. ) "i told him not to worry you!"

"baekhyunnie."

"sorry. sorry, " he relents. "i really didn't want anyone to worry, especially with how busy we all are and, you know. _jongdae's big news_. there are more important things to worry about." 

"it's important, yes, but so it this. and so are you." minseok can be so good at sounding soothing. baekhyun drops his arms to stretch them over his head instead. "is this just us being apart for so long?" 

he hums, licking his lips thoughtfully. "yes and no. i mean, i just was thinking about you, about all of us. we're getting older and soon it will be junmyeon, then me, jongdae, chanyeol, then – super junior, didn't it take forever for then to reunite? i just. it's so much, so much —" he fumbles around syllables and sighs in frustration, curling his fingers around a button on the comforter beneath him and plucking at it without tugging at the thread holding it together. "i don't know, hyung."

"upheaval?"

"yeah."

minseok hums on the other end of the line and baekhyun pictures him delicately rubbing his temple in thought with his index and middle finger. "that's getting older, i think. we all struggle with it. changmin-hyung and i talked about it before i enlisted, being caught between the person you were and the person you're becoming, even when you're well past your twenties. watching people come and go in your life, things like that. it seems to be the natural ebb and flow of adulthood. i –" he laughs lightly and baekhyun's hand immediately flies to his heart. "i'm not that much older than you so i don't have as many answers. i'm sorry. i just know that change is hard to deal with but – well, you have me. and –"

"i love you, hyung." 

he cannot help but interrupt him, filled with so much affection from him with so many miles between them both. it took him by surprise, much reliant he had been on minseok to keep him steady, keep him grounded and as he twists the ties of his hoodie around his fingers, pulling the fabric tighter around his cheeks, it doesn't lessen the ache he feels for his boyfriend, but the sound of his voice begins to quell the rising fears within him, more soothing than his hand on the back of his neck when he goes a little too off the rails during performances. minseok had said that fateful morning, _let the other side of the world see you the way people do here,_ and he takes those words to heart, the boost of confidence and the blessing he didn't know he needed from his hyung.

"I love you too, baekhyun," he replies without hesitation, so tender and comforting. "don't feel scared or guilty to do some growing up without all of us at your side, okay?" 

his mouth twitches into an indiscernible expression, his voice rougher around the edges though this time tears to not spring to his eyes, "i don't like growing up without you, minseok."

"i don't like growing up without you either, baekhyun." minseok lets the words settle between them before adding, "but i'll see you soon, i promise. do well tonight." 

his heart feels lighter and he pushes himself up to a sitting position. "i will, and i'll dream of future stages for us tomorrow. have a good show tonight too."

baekhyun makes minseok tell him he loves him at least five more times before the eventually end their phonecall and he finally reads all twenty-something text messages summoning him back to the lunch he abandoned because his food was getting cold and taemin wanted some of his omelet. but with the earbuds still in place, he first opens his music player, locating one of his most-listened-to tracks.

_ you – by _ _xiumin_.

* * *

eventually, they return. home – his parents' home, and not his dorms – has never felt better and baekhyun feels a little silly for his blue moods returning to the tour. tired and ready to fall face-first into his childhood bed, he enters their place and finds himself face to face not just with a happy, wiggling mongyrong but a happy boyfriend, all gummy smiles.

he tackles minseok to the ground, the corgi bounding around their tangled legs and barking in greeting. jesus, he looks good. his hair is a little longer, his shoulders lok broader, his torso feels firmer – but _those cheeks_. he must eat well in the military, with fewer pressures on dieting and slimming his face down for the many cameras on him and no heavy makeup to carve his cheeks into something else. god help him, he missed those cheeks and instantly has to bite the apple of one of them, much to minseok's surprise as he responds with a yelp and a little slap to his thigh.

"hey! we're having dinner here so spare your appetite at least." he looks up suddenly to listen to the din in the kitchen, to smell the familiar scent of his father's noodles wafting through the air. the combination of all these wonderful things gives him license to regress just a little bit, to drop the older, leader-y front so he can just be byun baekhyun at home.

baekhyun, still very much on top of his boyfriend, presses his forehead against minseok's sternum and laughs louder than he should but that doesn't matter. he's home and minseok is also his home and it doesn't matter how far they go, he feels in the very marrow of his bones that he will always have this to return to.


End file.
